While the orgasm is often held up as the holy grail of any sexual activity, due the variety and versatility of human sexuality most people experience sex completely differently and not everyone finds the climax the best part of it all.

Most people have a great sexual experience when they share intimacy and a sense of connected-ness with their partner and orgasms come secondary when these foundations are laid. Unfortunately, people (mostly people with vaginas) still feel a certain amount of pressure to fake orgasms during penis-in-vagina (PiV) sex as to not to disappoint or hurt their partners’ feelings. But everybody deserves to have the kind of sex they can enjoy, so communication is key. Orgasms also don’t look the same, for example, not everyone is loud during sex and therefore, it’s not always possible to tell if someone climaxed or not based on purely observation.

Since everyone’s bodies are different and respond to stimulation differently, open communication and judgement-free experimentation during sex can lead to both parties having a great time whether either of them reaches an orgasm or not. BDSM play, for example, often does not involve penetration or stimulation of the genitals, yet it is a pleasurable experience for both submissive and dominant parties due to the positive emotions and physical sensations they both enjoy and share. 

Simply helping a partner reach an orgasm can be a thoroughly satisfying experience. For instance, performing oral sex on someone to the point of their climax can feel just as gratifying as being on the receiving end of the activity. Similarly, when heterosexual couples engage in pegging, the person wearing the strap-on may not have an actual climax during the act, but the power exchange, role reversal and the excitement of being the pleasure-giver can all result in a sexually fulfilling and satisfying feeling akin to post-climax bliss.

The pressure to reach an orgasm can actually make sex less enjoyable and more stressful. People with penises can have erectile problems and people with vaginas may not produce a comfortable amount of natural lubrication due to stress. Incorporating more sensuality, caressing, touching and kissing may take the pressure off so the focus shifts from trying to reach a climax to enjoying intimacy and arousal. Making foreplay the main event can also help shake some nerves and as long as partners are both happy and consent to the shared sexual activity, there’s no reason why they couldn’t enjoy sex even without reaching an orgasm – and a climax may just end up being a happy side effect of time spent intimately together.

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